Chapter One:
The beginning of all the confusing things that remain untold and will be told over all eternity
It all started in April of 2008 in a small town with the name of Smickenladougalthefken. The town had just named Zac Efron as their mayor, to the delight and joy of many young female residents, but to the dismay of our main character, Luke Walker.
He despised so much that he had a picture of him in his room, which he threw flaming darts at. (He usually missed, but that’s not really relevant to the story.)
How could you not have a place in your heart for an actor, singer, dancer, and cute heartthrob like Zac? Well, Luke had a jealous heart. As I implied earlier Mr. Efron had a habit of stealing the hearts, souls, and minds of young girls across the universe with his dreamy eyes, which can also shoot laser beams of hot sauce, and his manly voice, which was given to him by a wicked witch in Tibet with hair made of spaghetti. (In fact, he had acquired that voice by flying to Jupiter in a bright orange Big Mac box with a cow named Mulford, but that’s a whole other story that would take 50 million years to tell! And I’m not exaggerating!)
Sorry, I’ll get back to our poor, heartbroken main character.
One of those stolen girls was Luke’s secret love, Miss Loretta VonSlugerhausen. Loretta was the best pie eater in town. In fact, she had just around 1,376,257 champion pie eating belts to prove it. He loved the way her face looked when it was encumbered by banana cream pie, and when she snorted whipped cream up her nose to the tune of ‘White and Nerdy’. He admired the way she wore her many belts…. They were kept on a coat rack, which she wore on her head. Her tie dyed hair also enchanted him. (So much in fact, that whenever he saw her, he burst into a fit of high pitched giggles and started to skip around in dazed and confused circles.)
Well, his love, who did not know she had already been claimed by Mr. Walker, had fallen head over heals for Zac. (For once, before High School Musical, of course, he had also been a champion pie eater.)
Everyday, Luke would watch as Loretta skipped down the street backward, while singing ‘I’ll Sue Ya’ by Weird Al and picking cool whip out of her nose, toward Zac’s mansion, which was shaped like a shoe, on Freakishlyweirdweirdowing Avenue in Smickenladougalthefken. Each time, he would follow her into the house. There, he would dress up like a hippo in a tutu and sing ‘Canadian Idiot’ opera style for Zac and Loretta while they slurped up goblets of lazerbeam hot sauce Zac had drawn from his own eyes.
Now this went on for quite a while until one very warm day in May when Luke met a man in a gorilla suit.
Luke was sitting in a bathtub and sailing down the Mississippi River, when all of a sudden, BANG, BOOM, CRACKLE, SNAP, WHAM, a poor imitation of a gorilla, wrapped in a Canadian flag, fell gracefully into his lap.
Luke stared on very confused, as the large primate started to do the Macarana and shout “Pickle juice!” at random intervals. The gorilla stopped his horrible dancing and pulled a saxophone out of his right ear, shoved it down his throat, and then pulled it out of his nose, all while crying out the lyrics to the Canadian national anthem in three different languages. Somehow Luke was enchanted by the Canadian gorilla’s song, so he began to hop up and down like a crazed maniac and bite the gorilla’s left ear. Then, the gorilla started to talk, surprisingly in English, without a Canadian accent.
“Stop it! I am here to get you your lady. Miss VonSlugerhausen, is it?”
Luke barked like a French poodle in agreement.
“Well I have a plan!”
The gorilla went on to explain to “Skywalker” how he would earn the love of Loretta, all while Luke’s purple sequined bathtub floated down the Mississippi, blasting out polka music all the way home.
Chapter Two:
The gorilla’s plans unfold
When they arrived at Luke’s house, the gorilla did something strange! He pulled out a sandwich, dressed in neon leather pants and a bright orange Alvin and the Chipmunk’s shirt, and threw in onto the back of Luke’s trusty, not to mention hairless, cat, Steve, which he had stolen from his ex-best friend, Felix Pie. Steve screamed like Hannah Montana, sprouted wings, blew fire out of his nostrils, and then began to fly around the room knocking books about undead turkeys to the floor.
“What are you doing to my cat?” Luke asked in the voice of a 56 year old disco queen.
“My sandwich wanted a ride!” the gorilla man replied as he uprooted Luke’s refrigerator and blasted it into smithereens with the pinky toe on his right foot.
Luke, upset by the gorilla’s actions, called up the Chicago Cubs baseball team, who proceeded to fly through the fireplace on giant bottles of mustard, all with jellybean jars in their hands.
This surprised the hairy mammal, for he thought the Cubs were way too loserlike to even mount a mustard bottle, then he realized how they managed it.
“Doctor Ben Tbelforde, we meet again!” Mr. Gorilla screamed into the face of a very purple unicorn with very long rainbow eyelashes.
“Hello! I knew you would return with your sandwich to reek more havoc onto the US of A! How have those Canadian’s been treating you?” Mr. Benji answered and questioned matter of factly.
“Pretty well, thanks! Hey! Don’t change the topic! Anyway… I thought I got rid of you back in DC!”
“Nope, all that horrible potion did was turn me into this hideous thing!”
“I think you’re pretty!” Luke butted in stupidly while trying to follow their ridiculous conversation.
(In case you’re just as confused as Luke right now, read the insert by me, the editor coming up in one paragraph!)
“You shut up!” Ben snapped, turning back to the gorilla. “For the past three years, I’ve been hiding in rainbows across the land! I was scared of finding you, until one day, a leprechaun threw a pot of gold filled with clowns at me! As you see, those clowns turned out to be the very loserlike, but quite useful, Chicago Cubs!” the unicorn said, pulling a trombone out of his mane.
New Special Insert by Laurel Hemmer
Ben’s Not So Boring Beginning
(Dr.) Ben Tbelforde sat on the steps of his favorite museum in Washington DC. He started to get up and he saw a big, bulky gorilla shaped shadow move in the bushes. He ran as fast as he could and hid in the deep, dark alley behind the White House.
Ben, who, at this time, had never met the Man In The Gorilla Suit before, had no clue of what he was capable of doing.
The gorilla guy of coarse, had been stalking Ben for months and knew everything about this fake, self-proclaimed doctor and what he could do to help Luke. He had not yet begun his evil plots that would turn out not quite so evil, but the first thing he would have to do is exterminate Ben, and he had every intention of doing so.
The Guy In The Gorilla Suit followed Ben to the deep, dark alley behind the white house. When he and Benjamin were still human-face to hairy gorilla-mask-face, he pulled a saxophone out of his ear and proposed a band geek duel to Ben.
Mr. Tbelforde, who was just standing there silent, dazed and confused, surprisingly for the first time in his life, took out his trombone, which he kept with him at all times in a special pink pocket sized, shrinking, fake-fur and leather lined trombone case.
They played magnificently for 40 days and 40 nights straight, but poor Ben was no match for TMITGS, seeing as he was only the 3rd chair saxophone player at his school and was getting so lazy, he was thinking about quitting. He was soon out of breath and lying unconscious on the ground.
TMITGS took out a bottle of potion with a picture of a skull and crossbones on it and pored it down Benji’s throat. This was a mistake, but he knew nothing of it as he walked away to go meet his friend Weird Al.
As it turned out, the label had been glued on backwards since he regularly reused and recycled his lab stuff. On the other side, it was actually a label for essence of unicorn, which Ben would soon find out.
Ben woke up even more dazed and confused than before. He tried to stand up, but he tripped. Hey! Why was he on all fours? He looked down and screamed like a little girl. He had hooves! And he was purple!
He galloped to a nearby puddle (it had rained a lot during those 40 days) and examined his reflection. He was now a dark lavender unicorn with a rainbow colored mane and eyelashes.
He was very scared. People might bring him to a zoo and perform tests on him!!! He didn’t want to be a lab unicorn!!!
He cried and pink cream puffs fell to the ground. The poor distressed unicorn decided it would be best if he lived up in the clouds and rainbows away from curious, stupid people. According to gossip these days, that’s where all of the other mythical creature things lived!
So, he flew up into the clouds and found a nice piece of rainbow-front property to stay on.
Ben was looking around and he saw a pot that appeared to be filled with gold, but was really just a projection covering an entrance hole. He approached it and a little weird leprechaun dressed in green with a green hat that had a shamrock in it jumped out.
“Who are you?” it asked in a weird Irish accent.
“I’m Dr. Professor Ben Tbelforde the third! You’re the lucky charms guy!!!”
“Sure….” he replied sarcastically. “What are you doing here?”
“I got turned into a unicorn by the man in the gorilla suit.”
An alarm suddenly went off in the hidden place. A bunch of other little leprechauns came running out of the projection.
“TMITGS? Where?!?!?!?” they all cried spastically in high pitched voices while running around in circles around the pot of golden gold image.
“You idiots! It’s just a false alarm. We were just discussing what happened to this poor unicorn named Ben.”
“I’m a person,” Ben said irritatedly. “And what are you midgets talking about???”
“The TMITGS is just another name for the man in the gorilla suit. We hate him too because he and that stupid pet sandwich he has are always causing havoc everywhere they go.”
Just then, another group of leprechauns, who were all dressed in outfits from around the world, came jumping out of the entrance and joined in in running around in circles.
“By the way, my real name is Darby O’Gill,” the ‘lucky charms guy’ stated, apparently exasperated with the dunderheads. “This in the hidden entrance to our rainbow village! You’re free to stay if you’d like. Right now, we’re having our annual Global Leprechauns Convention!.”
“Guten Tag!” said one of the weird leprechauns, who was wearing a green hat with a feather in it and little overalls and a blouse, in a bad German accent as they suddenly ceased running in their circular path.
“Aloha!” said another.
“Hola”
“Hey hue mar du?”
“Hey, eh!”
The leprechauns continued greeting him for another week straight. There were a lot of them.
“By the way again,” said Darby as the meet’n’greet came to a close. “We really love music here, so you’ll have to participate in our concerts if you’re planning on staying. Do you have an instrument?”
Ben pulled trombone out of his rainbowy locks with some difficulty because of his newfound hooves.
“Yep.”
It was a good thing the trombone didn’t have keys.
“Yayyyyyy!!!” the midgets cheered in unison.
The GLC went on for another 3 years. Every night, a different culture performed a song or two for several hours in a row. Many performances were annoying, but Ben particularly enjoyed the Svedish celaboration, ja!
The little blond short people, boys with funny crowns and girls with braids and flower headbands, wore cute colorful costumes and danced around a flower and ribbon covered pole as they sang.
Their song was about little pigs and frogs and dogs. The animals were very funny to watch and some had ears and tails and some didn’t. They also made all sorts of funny noises. Their song was sung in English and Svenska about 2000 times.
The verse about pigs was Ben’s favorite.
“Little pigs, little pigs, are fuunny to watch,
Little pigs, little pigs, are fuunny to watch.
Both ears, both ears, and taaails they have,
Both ears, both ears, and taaails they have.
Ohhhh, oink oink oink, oh oink oink oink,
Oh oink oink oink oink oink
Oh oink oink oink, oh oink oink oink,
Oh oink oink oink oink oink
And in Svenska, it was
“Oh nuff nuff nuff, oh nuff nuff nuff…”
When the three years were over, Ben was very sad to see all of the little multicolored leprechauns go. Only the Irish-American leprechauns that lived there remained.
Ben was starting to miss his home, but didn't dare go back for fear of either becoming a science experiment, meeting TMITGS, or both. His life, never the less, was happy.
Seeing as none of the Irishmen played trombone, they were all very excited and pleased with Benji. How could they know he was only 3rd chair and could barely play with hooves? (Burn. (By Mel))
Well, they had a concert every other night for 10 hours. Ben had an awesome solo song every concert. Actually, it was more like one new song and a new solo by Ben played over and over and over again until that 10 hours was up and the little green men got tired from bouncing around off of the walls in excitement the whole time.
On the days they didn’t have a concert, the practiced half the day on the new song, which they would play the following day at the next concert.
Ben enjoyed it immensely. They had great food and parties, and lots of books, and even several nerds who liked to talk about math.
Ben was good friends with one of them in particular. His name was Patrick, the short, skinny, red head leprechaun. He and Ben would have long, thrilling, pointless conversations about zero and pi and other weird equations like 2+2=5 and
1+2=a carrot.
They lived quite happily for a long time.
2 ¾ years later
Ben was galloping quietly over a rainbow when he heard a really loud polka song playing a school below him. He turned on his superpower x-ray vision and stared into a chaotic classroom.
There was Luke, who, at the time, was still under the witness protection act and disguised as Charlie, countless weird people, baseball players, students running around, and… the guy in the gorilla suit.
All sorts of stuff happened (you can read about it shortly), and then Luke swallowed a building. So, Ben dressed up a leprechaun as the old human Ben and got him high on coffee so he could examine Luke.
Then, all sorts of other stuff happened that he couldn’t understand, and it ended as the gorilla guy rolling a seemingly dead Luke down the hill in a base drum.
“Poor Luke,” he thought.
Fortunately, or maybe it was unfortunately, Luke popped out of the base drum screaming something about freedom and yelping as he rolled down the hill. Lauren, who Ben had only heard of then, suddenly flew out of a nearby cloud, grabbed Luke, threw him to safety, and flew back (if you’re asking how she flew without even being changed yet, it doesn’t matter, IT’S JUST A STORY! Thank you for reading this far. You can continue now.) where she was attacked and turned into a penguin by TMITGS. (More on this later in my other insert about Lauren)
“Poor Lauren. Now I really don’t want anything to do with TMITGS,” he thought, running away.
No less than a month later, a leprechaun went missing and came back later in the same day with a gold filled pot for none other than your favorite and ours, Dr. Professor Ben Tbelforde the 3rd.
Benji took off the lid and out popped a bunch of loserly, patriotically un-patriotic… clowns! No, wait, those were actually the loserly, patriotically un-patriotic Cubs®! It must have been sent from TMITGS to haunt him for life!
He found the return address on the pot and discovered it had been sent from dearest Luke Edward’s house! Ben fought with his fears and decided to face TMITGS for his friends sake. He flew to Luke’s house immediately to help stop the potential (not kinetic for all you science geeks out there) danger.
End of Insert. Now back to the previously scheduled novel.
“Well, here we meet again!” the gorilla said, also pulling a musical instrument out of his mane (If you didn’t know, his is a purple saxophone.).
“so you still have the sax, ehhh Mr. Furball!?!?” the pretty unicorn sang in a voice almost as sweet as Strawberry Shortcake herself.
“Let’s call a band geek duel!” the gorilla cried out menacingly, with gummy worms hanging out of his nose.
Luke was all very confused at this. He stood dazed, watching the Cubs zoom about his house on their mustard bottles banging into his walls and each other stupidly. He was about to run out the door when the gorilla called the band geek duel.
The whole house turned into ranch dressing and disappeared into thin air before the eyes of the pie eating Loretta VonSlugerhausen, who, at the time, had been scarfing down spinach pies that Luke had given to her that very morning.
She was confused because no one knew she absolutely loved spinach pies. Could she be making a mistake in loving Wackie Zackie?
Dazed at the disappearance of her newfound crush, she clucked like a chicken and rode a giant blue and purple cat into town to look for some help.
Meanwhile, the gorilla, unicorn, Chicago Cubs, cat, sandwich, and of course Luke, flew across the sky on talking dumpsters that randomly mumbled phrases from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, as well as sentences from The Never War.
Luke, who was always prepared, pulled out his That’s So Raven cell phone and called his friends Kollin, Tim, and Tim, who were all at a Chinese checkers match in China, probably eating pig eyes and popcorn shrimp.
“Hey Luke! You gotta see this man! I didn’t know Chinese checkers could be so tubular!” (Real) Tim said in a bad surfer accent.
“Yeah Luke, I got a new boring gray sweatshirt that was signed by Professor Macintosh, the best Chinese checkers player in the universe!” Kollin stated nervously, as if he was hiding something.
“Hey guys, can I talk to Artificial for a sec? I’ve got a situation!” Luke sang into the phone while drawing on his own face with multicolored highlighters. (Nominee for best line ever written by Mel)
“Hey Lukas… what is up my man! I have not seen you in like, a long time! How are you and Lauren Hammer doing?” Artificial Tim rapped into the phone.
“Well, I don’t really like Lauren anymore; she was way too strange for me, so I dumped her and fell for the groovy chick Loretta! And well, she is in love with Zac Effron!” Luke answered dejectedly while painting his nails ‘Puppy Pink’.
“Aren’t we all?” Tim laughed like Santa Clause, spilling his coconut smoothie in the act.
“Tim, I am serious here! I am riding on a talking dumpster to go to some band geeks’ duel. My house turned into ranch dressing and the Cubs broke all of my possessions because of their stupidity. A gorilla’s sandwich traumatized my hairless cat and a giant unicorn named Ben con fused me with his conversations about zero.”
“Whoa, slow down slick… sounds like you have a personal problem. I’ll be there in a second!”
At that moment, Tim, Tim, and Kollin boarded their mutant, psychotic, invisible, rabid squirrels and sailed into the moonlight howling at the moon like maniacs.
Luke continued from his fingernails to his toes as the dumpsters came to a complete stop at a planet shaped like a set of tympani drums.
The gorilla and the hideous unicorn toppled off of their dumpsters and started to sing harmoniously as they walked through a mallet into the center of the tympani circle.
Then, in a flash of a camera bulb, Luke’s trusty buddies arrived to save the day.
Tim, Tim, and Kollin quickly somersaulted off their mutant mammals and grapevined to Luke’s side. Then the mammals, which were used for T, T, and K’s transportation, burped up mutant Care Bears of many different colors, shapes, and sizes. The travelers thought the bears were cute at first, but then the bears fished licorice whips out of their bellybuttons.
“Which one of you is Luke Walker?” a bright pink bear with rainbow eyelashes yelled in a voice that kind of sounded like Corbin Bleu’s.
“He is!” Kollin and the Tims whispered, pushing poor, confused Luke towards the seemingly demon possessed bears.
With that, the Care Bear whipped out a machine gun and started shooting randomly. Unfortunately, he or she hit Ben the Unicorn in the nose and he dropped to the ground and cried cream puffs!!!
“No messing around! I have gotten orders to sustain you all. You are gonna have to come with me. I am the fierce but incredibly cute… Annihilator!!!”
Reluctantly, Luke the human, Kollin, Tim, the other Tim, Ben the very injured and confused unicorn, the strange weirdo in the gorilla suit, Luke the Sandwich, Steve the hairless cat, and the CHICAGO CUBS (Derek, Alfonso, Koske, Carlos, Lou and the Riot (Ryan)) followed the ball of fluff up a rainbowy arc made of Laffy Taffy into a giant ship which looked to be a cream puff.
The inside of the ship, which was indeed a cream puff, revealed what they thought to be a little bizarre was even more strange than they thought.
All around, cute, fuzzy bears with machine guns danced around giggling, laughing, and batting their adorable multicolored eyelashes. The lead bear, whose name ironically turned out to be Mr. Cuddle Wuddles, slowly led them through a series of candy striped doors made of cheese (maybe gorgonzola), and while he was doing this he sang:
“We are the Care Bears,
The fuzzy wuzzy Care Bears,
We’ll shoot you down till
You hit the ground!
We are cute and fuzzy and made of fluff,
We may be cuddley, but we sure are tough!”
This went on for quite a long time, so long in fact that when they finally got to their destination, Luke the Sandwich went up to the Care Bear and bit his head off. Purple goo spurted out of what was left of the evil mammal, and Organic Tim, being rather adventurous, tipped the furry body upside down and slurped the goo down his throat.
“Grapey!” Tim said, blood dripping down his chin.
“Hey, look at this dudes, yo!” Artificial Tim rapped, pointing at the ground.
The dripping of bears blood had rested in the shape of Vanessa Anne Hudgen’s head…
“Yeah, it’s baby V… She is so awesome! I love high school musical! Fabulous, that is my simple request, simply fabulous, bigger and better and best…”
At that point, Derek Lee and Carlos Zambrano burst into song, dance routine included.
“Yuck, I can’t stand her! She’s just a snobby, well… snob!” a strange but somewhat familiar voice stated in a bad French accent.
“Hey, who was that?” Luke questioned intently. “That voice sounds so familiar.”
“Hi Lukie Wukie…” the voice said. Then the voice’s owner jumped out of a Kleenex box near the door.
It was Lauren Hammar, but… she was different… she was a penguin! An Emperor Penguin to be exact…
“Laur, Laur, Lauren?” Kollin and Luke stammered.
“What happened to you?” Artificial Tim butted in rudely.
“Well, lets just say I had a run in with an evil villain. Let’s get out of here!” Lauren said as she waddled towards the exit with the speed of a snail eating a lion elephant thing.
“Come on Kolly Wolly… let’s get a cracka lackin!” Lauren the happy, but very slow moving, penguin stated, this time in a bad southern accent.
So, one by one, Luke the human, Kollin, Tim, Tim, Ben the Unicorn, Luke the Sandwich, the guy in the gorilla suit, and the Chicago Cubs followed the strange accent speaking penguin as she jumped out of the window to your left and pulled a pink umbrella out of a multicolored belt she was wearing. She then sailed through the air, up through the clouds, and into a porthole shouting words like “Sassafrass” and “Dingodide” and “Prontopoff” along the way.
And the followers, of course followed her… not knowing she was about to bring the to doom. Eventually…
